Almost all of us have found ourselves in a toxic relationship at some point — at least according to author Andrea Wedlich. In her book “How to Get Rid of People Who Aren’t Good at You Without Killing Them” she explains how this happens and what you can do about it. star Talk to the author.
Toxic relationships in their most extreme form are an important topic in all media. It doesn’t always have to be extreme, yet most people experience at least one toxic connection in their daily lives, which results from the work environment, in the family, in friendships, partnerships, or even with complete strangers and their opinions or criticism.
But how do we get rid of these people? Preferably without killing it, because that would be detrimental to your vine, says Andrea Wedlich, who in her bookHow do you get rid of people who are not good at you without killing them?It shows how we can free ourselves from negative interactions with toxic people in our daily lives, family, co-workers, bosses, friendships, and other toxic entanglements. star Talk to the author about these unhealthy relationships.
Mrs. Wedlish, how do you get people out of your life without killing them?
First, it is important to determine if you are in a toxic relationship because many people are not even aware that they are in a toxic relationship. Sometimes this happens unconsciously. However, most people experience at least one toxic relationship in their daily lives. This is not only the case in partnerships, but it can also relate to family, work relationships, friendships, or a sense of connection with them. In any case, there are several parameters that can be used to measure whether a compound is toxic.
And what criteria would that be?
A relationship is always toxic when it does not occur on an equal footing, when boundaries are crossed, whether verbal or physical. Blaming someone else is often a sign, so you always feel that you are responsible for everything. Emotional manipulation and blackmail also play a big role, as does the distortion of reality. We know this under the term “gas lighting”. This is “You are only imagining everything and this is not true at all”, and then you doubt your perception. And when it comes to devaluing a person, it becomes very personal. Power relationships can also define a toxic relationship, for example if there is a dependency. This can be in a partnership, but it can also be in work or in friendships.
Well, now I’ve proven that I’m in a toxic relationship – how do I get rid of the person?
First, you have to realize: Why am I already putting up with so much? It is important to shift from the role of the victim to the role of the decision maker – to address matters clearly, to stand up for oneself, to strengthen self-esteem, and to get out of tangles. There is a chapter in this book called “The Gordian Knot”. The point here is to resolve this tangle, which sometimes seems too narrow and insoluble – even in his own family, where, of course, it is not so easy.
Toxic Keyword Family: Do You Definitely Have to Eliminate Them From Your Life?
In principle, it is possible, but of course more difficult, to separate from family members. You don’t have to completely separate yourself, but you can learn to distance yourself or differentiate yourself and stop justifying yourself. It helps to remain realistic, offers solutions and enhances the independence of the individual.
If we’re in a toxic relationship, is it our fault?
I’ve done a lot of research for my book—both in the therapeutic realm and through my own surveys, and all the results flow into my book. I like to ignore the topic of guilt, but we can learn to take responsibility. Usually it’s just a malicious connection when we step in and play this game. There is also a saying in the book, “You stop losing when you stop playing.” So no more delving into the games or mechanics of toxic people. If you step away and learn to say “no” or take yourself out of this game, you can even deal with toxic people without them hurting you.
Is the word toxic used in an inflated way?
Yes, it can be. But everything that is used in an inflationary way is somehow related. It’s exactly the same when it comes to self-love, which hardly anyone can hear anymore. These terms are used in an inflated way because they are so important and because they affect so many people. Just because something finally comes up and people are starting to think and talk about it doesn’t make it any less important. It might annoy people, but it’s actually a very important topic.
Why does the ego deceive us so much when we know that the person is actually not good for us, but we still keep it in life.
Mostly it is about an inner belief. At the end of my book, the inner beliefs that are hidden behind the fact that we tolerate things or allow people in our lives are broken down are of no use to us at all. This is exactly the origin we have to look at – where does all this come from? The feeling of “I’m not good enough” or “I don’t deserve anything better” could be behind it. Or the desire to convince someone that you are good enough after all. This may be due to lack of self-esteem, fear of loss, or fear of rejection. When we are so overwhelmed with fear that we put up with so much instead of saying “Not like that!”
Are there such typical red flags? Is there a pattern or is it somehow individual for everyone?
Yes, there are those criteria I mentioned at the beginning. You can also call them red flags. For example, when the relationship is not at eye level. We humans are all equal. Nobody is better than the other. why? There is also no rule about who will be better than someone else. Here you can already see: well, someone puts himself on a pedestal or we put someone else on a pedestal. This is a red flag. Then they appear in the form of blaming or manipulation. When you notice that someone is manipulating other people in order to achieve your goal and you always have to justify yourself or get criticized constantly. Because if you face criticism, you can also ask yourself if this person is really flawless. This is not us. We all have flaws. Once someone is only looking for criticism, that person is usually very hard on themselves. This in turn comes from a lack of self-esteem. But that doesn’t mean we have to put up with it.
Have we all been the toxic person ourselves?
Yes, we may switch roles as well. For example, many people write to me: “My dear, I think I am poisonous or poisonous.” Realizing that this is the first step. But you can also develop more, and if you get to know something, there is also an opportunity to learn from it.
What do I do when I realize I’m the toxic person in a relationship?
You shouldn’t ditch the responsibility and ask yourself, What else do I want in my life right now and how can I change that? In literature, toxic people are often portrayed as evil, but there are always two sides. There is an origin. I wanted to break down all of this in my book using real stories and events.
Is it possible to save friends or family from a toxic relationship?
Often we want to save others. Especially in friendships, when we see someone having a problem. Then you think that you simply have to show the person the way. But you also have to be able to let go, because everyone lives at their own pace and also learns at that pace.
A personal question at the end: In the course of your research, did you somehow alienate people from your life or did writing bring you something personal?
When you write a book, you always learn a lot on your own. I must say I’m at a point now where I don’t have any toxic compounds in my life anymore. But I notice it more quickly when something like this happens and I realize it very early on myself. And that’s exactly what I wanted for my readers as well – that one get to know such a connection more quickly and can get out of it faster.
This article contains so-called affiliate links. More information is available here.