Happy Relationship: Two important sentences for this purpose

Many couples who come to me for advice are amazed that their relationship is gradually getting worse and threaten to sink into the seemingly inevitable chaos of arguments, sexual apathy and constant conflict. I’m not surprised.

I think this is very easy in our culture. All we have to do is follow the basic myth about love, which is said to be like a precious gem we just have to find and all is well.

We cling to the myth of a dangerous relationship

If we follow this myth in our behavior, it is difficult to stop the deterioration of the relationship. Legend tells us nothing about the fact that we still have to take care of our counterpart after finding the gem. Legend knows nothing of curiosity towards the other, which still gives him the feeling of being something special to me even years and decades later. He does not know that love survives only when we care for the other. This is what makes this myth so dangerous in my eyes.

denial of knowledge

Myths have an important function in our lives. They fill in our knowledge gaps. So myths give us information about reality when we don’t have any valid knowledge and we probably can’t or don’t want to have it at all.

This is not a problem when it comes to unimportant things in our lives, such as the question of whether the Sun revolves around the Earth. Or the opposite is true, that is, the Earth revolves around the sun. or even about yourself. These questions are important to astronomers and rocket builders. The rest of humanity does not matter.

In fact, love is not a gem

It’s different with love. It has a huge impact on our lives. Success or failure in love can depend on whether we simply believe something is true or whether we know it. Those who follow the myths in love today don’t bother finding out anything about reality. Men in particular who consider themselves rational tend to refuse to engage in human emotions. This makes them vulnerable to kinds of love myths.

They fill in the gaps in their knowledge with assumptions and myths. Do you think this makes sense? I do not. We laugh at everyone who still thinks the earth is flat or that the sun revolves around the earth. Anyone who still thinks love is a gem we just have to find will get a Hollywood movie contract – and be invited to talk shows.

Even a fairy tale tells the exact story of a valuable jewel over and over again. In fact, love is not a gem. It is like bread. Does it have to be fresh Then it must be baked anew every day. It is precisely this knowledge that our culture withholds from us – and this science and advice confirm time and time again.

The essence of a happy relationship

We have to search every day other or for other interested. This is the essence of good love. So, the two basic sentences in the life of a partnership are not “Honey, what’s for dinner?” or “I’ll go shopping and take the kids” but:

  • How are you?
  • what can i do for you?

He was even cheerfully expressed “Well, how are you? Are you okay?” does not indicate real interest. My partnership is always happy and stable only if the answer is truly mine interested.

The other needs us especially when he is well, when dark thoughts live in him and occupied by bad feelings. Now is the time gentlemen.

John Gottman said this in an interview with well-known couples therapist Oscar Holzberg for the magazine Bridget Put it this way: “Are you there for me? Do you share your feelings Do you talk to me when I’m sad? Won’t you get angry at my mood?” A real concern for one’s emotional state and well-being is what keeps bread fresh every day.

Interest is not a one-way street

But they are all those who don’t seriously care about their peers’ feelings disaster. The gem they think they found is becoming less and less attractive over time. Or I put it in my words: Your bread will be stale. Interest is not a one-way street. “Do you share your feelings with me?” It is one of the sentences John Gottman said on the topic of interest. We should be concerned with each other’s feelings. However, we must also be willing to share our feelings. We have to share them with each other. This is love

“Baby, what’s for dinner?” Or “I’ll go shopping and take the kids” – this is a team. target community. Sometimes just a fixed stake. and no more.

Intimacy comes from the question

There is a criterion for true curiosity. Listening to your partner is a thing. But this alone is not enough. Asking questions is another thing. “how was your day?” But even this is not enough to achieve rapprochement, to achieve intimacy in conversation. Intimacy comes Enquiry. Nosy Enquiry.

Explain it to one person bemoaning the failed dates they keep going. Young people love to flaunt their wonderful life on these occasions. Snowboarding in Zillertal. Trekking in the Himalayas. Vacation in Cambodia. They want to impress the woman sitting across from them. This is a mistake. Such conversations do not show any interest in the other person. On the other hand, questions and inquiries create affinity.

or explain it with Enquiry The friend who wonders about his lack of relationship with his wife. “Hi dear, I am so exhausted. I will quickly check my emails. There was so much going on at work, you won’t believe what Johannes did again. I’ll tell you later.” Did you notice any real interest in the other person? Intimacy comes from the question. “How was your day? When did the new delivery come in? Oh, so late—you had a lot to do, right?”