By Jana Forster
How do we get more momentum into our sex life again? In the past few days we have again received many emails and messages from our readers about fun and passion. Sexual counselor Jana Forster tackles one of these topics in her weekly column and offers advice. Today: Can a relationship break save our partnership?
A reader who wishes to remain anonymous writes: “My girlfriend and I have been together for over four years. In fact, I thought he would stay with us, we would get married someday and have kids.
But recently we have had our problems. We often argue. Perhaps also because we constantly sit on top of each other because of the home office. Romance also suffered as a result, not to mention sex…
My question: Can a relationship breakage save our relationship? I worked with a couple of friends.
Everyone did what they do for three months. That was an opportunity for new experiences, also in terms of sex. After that, neither of them asked any questions about what happened during the break.
I can also imagine it, but at the same time I am afraid that the love will come to an end completely. What is your recommendation?
► Sex advisor Jana Forster answers: “First of all, I would like to congratulate your friends on the success of this experiment in their case.
But let’s take a closer look at the early stages of a relationship. At first, you’re in cloud 9, enjoying every minute with your new partner, can’t get out of bed, and your hormones are on a roller coaster ride. You have less appetite and think about your new partner all the time and everywhere.
The resulting love feels like a fusion. This stage lasts for a maximum of two years – depending on how often you see each other.
At the next stage, the supposedly ideal image of the partner collapses, minor quirks are noticed more consciously, and the first disagreements on everyday issues make their way. This stage can sometimes seem like a difficult trail in reality.
However, it is very important that true connection and deeper love develop from facing these challenges together. This shows if you work well as a couple and like to handle conflicts and find compromises.
In the third stage, small power struggles occur again and again. Couples feel so many opposites that they only saw the things in common at the beginning of the relationship.
They see that a happy relationship also requires a lot of work and they get tired of it from time to time.
Sexual life usually changes during this stage. An active sexual life must also be developed, which is not easy when struggles resonate in everyday life.
Why am I writing this to you, dear reader? With you I can read the transition from the second stage to the third stage. Then came the epidemic, which may have thoroughly examined these stages.
I would like to convey to you that what you are currently going through as a couple is a very common and, above all, important phase in your partnership. That you are not alone in this!
It is there to create a stable relationship for the two of you as a couple, but you are also individuals with your own opinions and needs.
It shapes their cohesion and strengthens your independence again, which is important for realizing yourself in a partnership.
► “My boyfriend wants to sleep with me every day. It’s getting tougher for me!”
► “My new girlfriend is 30 years younger than me. What should we do?”
My recommendation at this point is to never let yourself out of sight for three months and then hopefully you’ve memorized everything (see also info box).
You should take a closer look at the problems and struggles that this phase brings up for you as a couple.
Try to take the time to speak calmly and, if possible, without accusations about what’s on your mind. Set a time to do so.
At the same time, I advise you to pay attention to freedom and private activities. Make sure you do something separately from each other, look at each other afterwards and report what you’ve been through. Would you also like to travel separately or take up an old hobby again?
As a last tip, I will prescribe you scheduled sexual dates if I can write prescriptions. Frequency does not matter. Instead, it’s about creating a space where you don’t talk about conflicts, shopping, or partnership, but only communicate about your bodies.
Engage more actively with your partner and your relationship, set up separate rooms for different needs and see what happens next.
If in doubt, you can, of course, get support from me or a colleague.”
Forrester’s Question Time column will take a short break next week and then appear again as usual on Monday (September 27).
The Three Big Risks of Breaking Up a Relationship
1. Jump into something new too fast: Many people jump straight into a new relationship because they secretly don’t want or can’t be alone. There is a great danger here because the person is more likely to escape with himself before work.
2. In love with being single: This can be compared to the first stage of a relationship. Even with the light of separation, you can fall in love with this newly acquired freedom. But even here it is only a stage. Single life is not always good and free, it can also be lonely and oppressive.
3. Starting a Signal for an Interrupted Relationship: Once you break up on trial, this often invites you to consider running away again when the next challenge arises. Then we remember the rest at the beginning of the break and crave it. It is almost impossible to work in partnership on linkage. A complex and on-and-off relationship was born.
Write your questions to the expert
Do you have questions or need advice? Write your concerns – anonymously if you like – to Jana Förster.
By e-mail: [email protected]
By mail: Question time, BZ Editorial Office, Axel-Springer-Strasse 65, 10888 Berlin