€9 ticket: Destruction (nd-aktuell.de)

Photo: dpa | Martin Schutt

Arrival ticket 9 euros and trembling train on his knees. Cheap homeowners from all over the republic came together to misuse DB trains as a means of transportation and thus cause a railroad disaster. There are already warnings that overcrowded trains may be evacuated in the near future. In Sylt, they even feared that the proletariat of the entire republic would swarm onto the well-to-do island like vomit gout from consuming a box of Sternberg beer bought with unemployment benefits.

But they are not only afraid of the North Sea. In Hennigsdorf, the industrial city in the countryside near Berlin, where things are usually quiet, there are fears of an unimaginable flood of tourists. Havelpassage, with its unrivaled 1-Euro store dryers, is designed for walking tires for a small number of elderly residents and not for beer bikes for cheap tourists.

If you can soon travel to Hennigsdorf almost for free, the city infrastructure in the Oberhavel region will explode. In Bahnhofsdöner, where the local alcohol scene can still buy bottles of fat-smelling beer for a small euro, locals will be driven away by pub crawlers. There would be no more space left on the park benches and the city library would be overrun with its ridiculously low fees.
Finally, when Hennigsdorf has been devastated by tourism as Barcelona and Venice before it, legions move on the RE6 tracks. First to Felten, and later to Somerfield. The path of destruction will be cut through Mark Brandenburg, which will end in Wittenberg.

You don’t even want to imagine the scenes on the trains themselves. People will rub their sweaty bodies against each other in poorly ventilated cubicles. The toilets will be clogged and you will no longer have access to the connecting trains. So it will be at least as bad as ever. The few passengers who managed to get a seat would behave rudely. They will make very loud phone calls about their work and relationships, and will be so oblivious about the food they brought that they will stain their shirts in the process. Many will unabashedly crackle. In the bike compartments there will be retirees who, out of pure spite, will build their e-bikes into insurmountable fortresses. It would be a sign of their victory over intricate honeycomb rail systems and highly sophisticated ticket machines.

Only those communities so far spared from contact with the rail network can count themselves lucky. Anyone still halfway should now book a vacation in places like Havelberg or Marwitz. hurry! The few holiday apartments there will soon be fully booked. So the Traffic Light Coalition’s response to rising fuel prices appears to be that they want to lead the entire country to ruin. Desolation and chaos is clearly their stated goal, which the track is supposed to cover with a few booster trains. This may have been Putin’s idea behind his seemingly ill-conceived attack on Ukraine. So he could still destroy Germany. If so, this was indeed a brilliant move by the Russian president. Vladimir Putin’s reputation as a calm and rational geopolitical must now be restored.

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