BRejoicing today is no longer mandatory and no longer convenient societies. Most of the time we choose who we want to be with and when we end the relationship.
Even if our partner is very important to us: if the differences become too great, we prefer to pull the spinal cord. Admittedly, at this point in a relationship there is usually so much trouble that it may be too late to salvage it.
To not get this far in the first place, we must take early countermeasures. How can it work? We asked around with a couple of therapists, psychologists, and happiness seekers. The result: ten simple but hard tips on how to salvage your relationship.
1. Be aware of the negative spiral
Disagreements are part of relationships. It would not be right to demonize them. It becomes problematic when you are just annoyed with your partner and arguing becomes common. You get into a negative spiral in which the other person at some point cannot please you and cannot make you happy.
Once you understand that, it’s often your first experience of aha, says Karin Tschirk, a couples therapist from Augsburg.
We just want to see the negativity and put our relationship and partner under public suspicion. Recognize that this is the first step.
Second, divide the relationship into columns
So she advises taking a close look at the relationship when there is stress. Where is the tension, and where is it going well: free time, family, sex, communication, family life, etc. You often find that things are actually generally going better than you thought. Then you can start working together and concretely on what is bothering you.
Third. reflect yourself
Perhaps this is one of the most important points: find out why something bothers you, annoys you, annoys you, makes you sad. “What do I need to feel good?” This is one of the main questions asked by psychologist Dr. Both partners have to introduce Sandra Conrad.
For the author of Make Love, finger-pointing is clearly a wrong approach. “A partner is neither responsible for the happiness of the other nor to blame for the misfortune. This is often the only trigger for the feelings lurking within you. Especially in the case of an overreaction, you should investigate the causes.”
Specifically: What does the feeling remind you of? Who and what has hurt you deeply at this point in the past? Then one often suddenly goes back to childhood and to the old, unaddressed indignities that they go through over and over with their partner today.
Everyone should be clear about what makes them happy and how they feel loved: “Are conversations important to you, small gifts, sex, teamwork, and help?”
Everyone here has a different “love language”. For example, it’s not always helpful for your partner to take out the trash and give flowers as gifts, but the other person wants a relaxing conversation on the couch or a little more affection.
Important: if you find out for yourself what you need and what is good for you, then you should definitely tell them. The partner cannot smell it.
Fourth: Be the director of your own mental cinema
If you understand why, when and how you react, you can consciously influence your mental cinema. Your partner doesn’t leave toothpaste in the sink to bother you. Renate Georgi says that the evidence for such accusations can never be found in reality. The author of the “Serenity in Love” guide says that it may be that it is not important to him or that he simply has not noticed.
In such cases, each person must decide for himself how important a particular topic – such as toothpaste in the sink – is really for him, and if necessary, it is necessary to formulate clear rules with the partner so that there are no arguments in the first place. But please always explain why a point is important to you.
5. Pay attention to proper handling
Munich researcher and author Bernd Hornung advises:
We should talk to our partner just the way we talk to our best friends.
This is often not that easy. A partner is one of the most important people in life. Therefore, his words and actions offend you more easily than the words of friends. So take a deep breath and think again about how you can phrase the criticism as friendly as possible.
Send Internet messages. Anyone who begins their sentence with “You always…” is obviously going the wrong way.
Tschirk also recommends a specific day of the week for couples to sit down and talk about what’s going on in the relationship. This way you can better prepare yourself for confrontations and say to yourself, “Of course I can expect criticism, but that’s important to me and us. This is the only way to solve our problems. And that’s exactly what makes people happier in the long run.”
VI. Agree on the stop words
It can happen again and again that disagreements become heated or situations become very uncomfortable for the partner. Konrad’s advice: “Agree on stop words that you can use at any point in everyday life without being recognized as such.” Then you really have to take a break.
But if you want to stop, you have to decide when to discuss the topic further. Ideally, this should happen within the next 24 hours.
Seven: Realizing the importance of a partner to you
There’s a big risk, especially when you’ve been together for a long time: the partner becomes self-evident. Karin Tschirk knows this from couples who come to her for advice. They stopped trying to keep trying for each other. Showing others that they are important to you through the little things can do wonders.
Eight: Eliminate stress in daily life
We want to do everything on our own. We often make life more difficult for ourselves than it is. Cleaning in particular is often a controversial topic. Anyone who can afford it would likely be advised to hire home help. But there are other creative solutions.
How about playing and cleaning up music together for an hour? Sandra Conrad knows: “It’s more fun than if everyone cleaned on their own.”
If you have kids, a babysitter is a great thing, so they can get together again. Just ask friends. I am sure you will be happy to assist you.
ix. Save free space
Even if the core of every relationship is teamwork between two partners, freedom is just as important. After all, everyone has very different needs, says Rinat Georgi. “It makes sense that you can’t live all this with your partner.” Everyone needs time to themselves. It is up to the individual to decide to spend it alone or with others.
X. Take responsibility for your own happiness
It can be said that the last point is no less important than the third point. And it goes in the same direction. You shouldn’t shift responsibility if you’re not feeling well – either in the relationship or in general.
The partner is not there to make us happy. We have to do it ourselves.
And if things don’t go well in the relationship, each person should motivate themselves to do something about it. Sandra Conrad is sure: “As long as a couple is eager to change something, there is still a chance for every relationship.” No matter how desperate it may seem to strangers.