Most couples do something wrong after infidelity. In an interview, Sandra Konrad, a couples therapist in Hamburg, revealed how you can successfully overcome this crisis.
Internet focus: Infidelity event. Should I admit a one-time slip to my partner?
Sandra Conrad: You must first ask yourself: What does betrayal mean to me? Was it sex, proof, or revenge? Am I in love how to proceed?
Another important question is: What would be better for my partner – to know or not? Whatever you decide, you have to live with it, you can’t undo it, and sometimes you risk too much of a moment of passion.
Internet focus: How much information should I know as a deluded person about this issue?
Konrad: As much as you can digest it. Anyone who has been cheated feels powerless and often thinks they can take back control through detailed knowledge – an illusion. In my opinion detailed knowledge is rather harmful, because mental cinema is nourished by harmful images.
It is more about building trust for the future. The deceiver must be transparent about where he is, when, and with whom he sees, so that his partner feels calm again and trust is restored.
Internet focus: Does infidelity mean the end of a relationship?
Konrad: No, often a couple in crisis really wants to stay together. An affair can be a wake-up call to change something, talk more, spend more time together, and get closer in general.
There are also pairs that have a stabilizing effect for them: it’s always exciting, they don’t get very close, and there are always issues that make them move away from each other and towards each other like waves.
However, there are many couples for whom infidelity is the main reason for separation. For some, the abuse of trust is so serious that they can no longer or do not want to get involved with their partner. Or someone discovers that an affair means more than they originally thought – even in such cases, a breakup often follows.
Internet Focus: How can a married couple survive the crisis?
Konrad: By researching and trying to understand what is behind the issue. Only if they both take responsibility for the relationship can there be a glimpse into the future. If an affair isn’t an opportunity to talk about one’s needs and disadvantages, then what is?
Unfortunately, some couples make the mistake of trying to get back to normal quickly and sweeping everything under the rug. If you do not take advantage of the crisis, you are taking the opportunity to change something for the better.
Focus on the Internet: For many, this is the biggest nightmare that they are deceived by their partners. Why does this hurt us so much?
Konrad: Because our trust is shaken: anyone who has signed a loyalty contract with their partner feels betrayed not only sexually but also emotionally. Losing a sense of security can be downright physical pain. Many also develop self-doubt and torment themselves with comparisons such as “What does he/she have that I don’t?” or “Was sex better with him/her?”
Online focus: Many of those who have been betrayed are looking to blame themselves. But does there always have to be a crisis in the relationship for a partner to cheat?
Konrad: No, a person can be attracted to another person or have sex with a stranger even in a healthy relationship. Often it is not about love for a partner, but about one’s self-esteem, which is nourished by an affair.
Anyway, I’m not going to talk about guilt, but about what we might experience in the context of a relationship and what might have been neglected in a relationship: caring for each other, loving interaction, tenderness, and sex. Regardless of the reason for cheating, the question is always:
what is he talking about? What do I need to be happy? Can I find that in my relationship or not? Does my partner know how I feel? Both are responsible for the relationship. The sole responsibility for marital infidelity rests with its owner.
Internet Focus: How Can I Trust My Unfaithful Partner Again?
Konrad: Time is an important factor and internal decision-making: Although I hurt a lot, I love this person and want to continue the relationship. How exactly this works has to be negotiated individually by each couple.
Online focus: My partner cheated again. What does this mean for our relationship? Should I leave him now forever?
Konrad: You can only answer that yourself. Anyone who wants to live in a monogamous relationship and gets cheated over and over will not be happy in the long run. It’s like all core values: if they don’t fit together at all, it gets tough.
But perhaps the other levels of the relationship weigh a lot more than casual relationships: feeling loved and being #1, reliability in everyday life, family life together, future plans.
There are couples who cheat more or less discreetly and still do not question their relationship. If loyalty isn’t that important or if you want to have an open relationship, affairs have a completely different meaning to you anyway.
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