Fear of commitment: Fear of commitment to someone

It is not difficult for him to make non-committal contact with strangers. And when friendships develop from this, some of them stay with him for many years. But when it comes to love and partnership, Cenzino Falcitelli from Friedrichshafen knows he has a “package” to carry here.

Only loves in the short term

The 42-year-old suffers from a fear of commitment. Earlier, when he was in his early twenties, living in an apartment, and had only short and variable relationships with his roommates, he had not noticed anything unusual about this at first.

It wasn’t until he was in his early thirties, when none of his previous love affairs lasted more than a year, that he met people online with similar symptoms and openly admitted to a causal fear of approaching a partner. .

abandoned by the mother

Today, ten years later, it’s been a long time since his last serious affair. However, Cenzino is more confident than ever that he will get over his own relationship issues. Because in the meantime he has dealt with his past – and thus made himself aware of the many reasons why he is afraid of commitment:

“It is also clear to me: because I do not know my mother and that something was missing when I was a child – nothing really can be built now, as with real parents: it is the basic trust – if it is violated, then, from the preprogrammed since The beginning is that you will carry a certain problem with you as a child and as an adult.” Cincino Falsetelli

Cincino’s parents, who were fleeing their family from southern Italy to Germany, suffer from serious mental illness. They could not fulfill the duty of care for Cenzino and his sister. As a result of extreme neglect, both children were finally placed in different foster families by the Youth Welfare Office. Cincino was four years old at the time.

“I felt like I was in good hands there. But it was like when I was a little kid you would always ask: Where are my parents? Why can’t I go back there? Then it took me a while to understand as a kid that I couldn’t go back and that being separated from my sister would stay. I remember The time when I withdrew to my room and asked myself: Where do I belong now? Cincino Falsetelli

A lovable clown with great sadness

With his lively and entertaining style, the retailer and restaurateur instantly collects sympathy points when dealing with strangers. But in the beloved Joker, there is also great sadness. The fact that he was previously unable to communicate this and always exaggerated has changed. Because today he sees that his “mission in life” is to work through personal experiences from the past and speak frankly about his emotional world.

Seeking professional support for his self-exploration, Cincino contacted psychiatrist Cordula Leiden in Munich, among others. In the therapy conversation, they both discussed the extent to which false communication or false signals caused Cenzino’s relationships to fail, or even not to occur at all. It turns out that the great fear of rejection that Cenzino had felt since childhood often led him to avoid opportunities that would have created a mutual sense of closeness and intimacy.

“The fear of commitment is the fear of getting involved with someone, and it is often related to the fear of getting hurt: if I open up and show—that I’m not enough, that I’m not right, someone might make me feel like ‘I just don’t want you.’

Missing critical step

In many cases, Cenzino did not even dare to take the decisive step outside the “friend zone” of an acquaintance. In other cases, he was so afraid of rejection that he cut off contact with attractive women without further explanation just while they were looking for more commitment from him.

“Then there are certain fears: am I okay with her? Am I too jealous? And above all the crucial point: I don’t want to be left. And that is clear to me. My mother and my sister left me alone, in the apartment. That is why I am afraid to be left in a relationship. When it happens That, it’s like ripping out your heart.” Cincino Falsetelli

However, in the past, it wasn’t always himself who ended relationships that had just arose out of this fear by withdrawing. Some of the relationships he seemed willing to get into failed because of the other person’s nearly insurmountable boundaries.

“People who are afraid of commitment often look for partners who are already doomed—partners who are already committed or not interested at all—because they feel like I’m protecting myself.” Cordola religion

Reason: lack of self-esteem

Both behaviors are based on the same essence: a lack of self-esteem, which is usually shaped by experiences from childhood. Because children, whose lives depend on the care of caregivers, cannot yet differentiate between the objective causes of their possible misbehavior – in this case the illness of the parents – and the feeling that they are the cause and therefore unloved, i.e. “not being good enough”. Therefore, in psychotherapy work with the fear of commitment, acceptance and appreciation of the person is trained above all else.

“The goal should be for a person to really realize: I’m fine as I am. I’m perfectly fine. I don’t have to slip into any role, I don’t have to protect myself and arm myself too much, I can be myself and then I will also find people who appreciate and love me” . Cordola religion

There is a popular saying that only those who love themselves can love others. Cenzino Falcitelli is in the process of discovering this for himself – and his practice.

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