couple therapist reveals
Happy again after I lost a great love – (How) is it?
Can you be happy after a great love? Love is the answer to all questions? not exactly. It also provides little. Psychologist and couples therapist Oscar Holzberg answers them.
Great love, like anything else great and satisfying, has a downside: we never want it to end. But this desire is not always fulfilled. And then we long for her back, we want her. Life teaches us now, and any semi-readable assistant teacher, that we must let go of the past and the lost and look at what we have and what we can gain. But this is never easy, especially not in love.
Because in our memory, great love becomes even greater love. Every time we remember it, we change that very memory. Gradually the great thing remains only in our memory, while the unpleasant aspects of the previous relationship disappear more and more. We feel that we have not only lost a great love, but a perfect one.
Longing for the past
Our great love often appears to us as our first love. Whatever we thought was love fades away instantly and doesn’t matter anymore. When the full dose of the cocktail of the love, desire, and bonding hormone cocktail rushes through our synapses for the first time, it flings us off our feet. This first experience is so new and impressive that no other love seems so intense. This makes it difficult. Because these feelings fit into our romantic myth, according to which love meets two people uniquely.
So when that love ends, we miss the jackpot, and whatever else might come second at best. We doubt we will ever be happy again because we lost the one who made us happy. Since our brain cannot recall abstract feelings, it remains attached to that specific person forever.
But do we really yearn for the partner or partners who are no longer accessible – and who can no longer inspire us today? Or is our longing not more for ourselves? Because we want to be who we were then. Because we want to feel like we felt at the time. We compare each new romantic encounter to this past and walk away in disappointment that we don’t feel like we did when we lost love. We withdraw before we even have a chance to arrive.
Every love relationship is unique
An important study has just shown that many love relationships do not arise at first glance, but often through long-term friendships. So it is through confrontations that feelings of love can grow. In the great love we test our capacity to desire, to love and to be loved. We cannot lose this ability through separation. What we lose is a unique love, like every love relationship is unique. Yes, if we remember that our first love relationship was the one we had with our parents, then we even know that great love is the best ground for all subsequent relationships.
One great love only holds back our happiness until we find the next. Every love relationship has a chance of becoming the next, somewhat different, big love if we stick with it.