Symbols of love: you can not do without them?

couple therapist reveals
Does a partnership need tokens of love? And if so: which one?

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Does Partnership Need Tokens Of Love? Love is the answer to all questions? not exactly. It also provides little. Oscar pairs psychologist and therapist Holzberg answers them all

Yeah. But feelings can only be strengthened, never established.

Love symbols are important. They are nothing out of the ordinary. After all, a love affair is nothing like a schedule that is set once and then stays put. A love relationship is a process that we keep alive. It is an ongoing dialogue of feelings.

Small rituals as a sign of love

Unconsciously, we are watching our romantic relationship like a patient in the intensive care unit we want to keep him stable. Every change is noticed, we react to everything. To keep love alive, we always affirm to each other our affection and belonging and support all the small daily rituals that are always also symbols of love: goodbye kiss, WhatsApp message, tea we bring to each other in bed in the morning, his favorite fruit, which we always buy with us, Tenderness during a Netflix series, yes, we watch our favorite series together. The theater without which there is no performance.

But this is not enough in times of crisis. Then we highlight the love scene and look for it to verify. Once we are faced with the question of whether we are still loved or loved at all, we consciously look for support, for clues. For symbols of love. For words we can believe, for actions and events that show us that we can be sure that our partners are cared for, appreciated and respected. And in the face of uncertainty, we also try to prove our love for them. Hoping to touch her so her feelings for us don’t die. Just as we want to keep the fire burning by blowing on the coals. We do our best and hope that our tokens of love will be seen and appreciated.

Is the token of love only one if it is also compensation at the same time?

But whether something is considered a symbol of love or not is decided only by those to whom it is offered. We can caress our loved one on the cheek or give him a trip to the Maldives, make him a salad or suggest to him. We can really put all our love into it, but whether or not something is recognized as a symbol of love is up to the other person.

The more uncertain the relationship becomes, the stricter the standards become. And if the insecurity is great and our peer doesn’t consider himself likable anyway, we’ll have little chance. Even if we fulfill her desires, it is of no value. What matters then are real sacrifices. “Ordeal” is what is called in English when a person takes something really difficult and painful for him in order to “make up” for what has hurt his partner: love symbols are often recognized only if they are such an ordeal, compensate. When I feel that I am more important to you than your personal well-being. A love relationship always needs confirmation through loving gestures and actions. We only look for evidence when love is in doubt.

Falling in love with your partner: Oscar Holzberg

Oscar Holzberg, 67, has been counseling couples at his Hamburg clinic for more than 20 years and has been married for over 30 years. His current book is called New Key Phrases in Love (240 pages, €11, DuMont).

© Ilona Habin

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