by Madeline Jaeger
My God, Darn Seventh Year – Do You Believe in This Myth Relationship? According to current figures from the Federal Statistical Office, the average duration of marriage in Germany is currently 14.8 years. But how do marriages actually last forever and is it even possible? I checked RTL with need-to-know relationship experts. Psychotherapist Dr. Wolfgang Krueger and relationship and life coach Wolfram Shorst. It reveals doomed marriages – and under what conditions long-term relationships definitely work!
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“Marriage forever” – is it possible? Dr. Wolfgang Krueger describes a positive development
Dr. says. Wolfgang Krueger. The duration of the partnerships gets longer every year.
“We also assume that partnerships will improve,” Krueger describes. “The long-term trend that people are breaking up more quickly is no longer there.” Then he describes an inflamed phenomenon.
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“Always in times of social uncertainty and in the face of threats there is a strong need for security in relationships. You prefer to stay together and see the value of stability. We currently have it to an extent that we haven’t since World War II has passed.” At the same time, we also add the fear of nuclear war, the devaluation of money and concern about climate catastrophes. An experienced psychotherapist suspects: “As a result of these developments, the separation will also decrease in the field of partnership. I even expect that cheating will decrease.”
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Lifelong Relationships: Are They Possible? Disagreement between married couples
Despite all this, married couples agree that lifelong relationships such as those of Sigmund Freud’s time (until 1939) rarely exist today. There is currently a disagreement among experts: while some believe in relationships that last a lifetime, the other assumes that the partnership will lose its breath after a certain period of time.
Partnership for life? The therapist names four requirements
But Wolfgang Krueger tends to belong to the first group and describes four prerequisites for a lifelong relationship, marriage or partnership.
- The most important thing in a partnership is respect, that is, dealing with each other. If we are able to treat each other with respect, we have a good chance that the relationship will go well
- Keep your own life in a relationship! They both have a personality with their own interests and their own circle of friends. We must form “we,” but “me” must remain
- Both partners must be able to bond
- Diplomatic Discord Culture: Disagreements should never spread the foundations of the relationship
Krueger explains his conviction, “I am absolutely convinced that partnerships can last for a very long time. There are always tremendous reasons when a partnership fails.”
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Wolfram Shurst describes the problem when relationships no longer work for sure
But what are the most common causes of failed relationships? Wolfram Shorst and his wife Eva Maria are among Germany’s most famous therapists for couples and they know when things can’t go on. “Many throws in the towel too soon. We notice this over and over again in our daily work. Crises in relationships are normal and even important, but they are rarely a reason to end a partnership or marriage. A relationship is development! And both always have to be challenged again to give up their views, Marriages that fail after ten or twenty years usually fail not because of the wrong partner, but because at least one of them was not ready to develop emotionally and sometimes to deal openly with unpleasant feelings and fears,” reports Wolfram Zhurst of his clinic.
Men in particular often find it difficult to show and talk about themselves as vulnerable. However, the biggest problem is the insecurity and embarrassment for both partners when the relationship is no longer a sure success after a few years.
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Wolfram Zurhorst offers really important long-term relationship advice
“When a marriage really hits a dead end, couples often hide or get caught up in the same struggles over and over instead of asking for help. A fresh perspective from the outside often leads to a lot of action,” Zhorst describes. Many couples find it very difficult to seek support. “But it’s not enough to live side by side in resignation. I often hear we’re a good team. Unfortunately, that alone doesn’t matter,” says Zhorst, describing what really matters in long-term relationships:
- Always getting to know yourself better and being aware of your weaknesses and fears – if I wasn’t close to myself, my partner couldn’t be
- Feelings – even unpleasant ones – emerge and continue! Men in particular often don’t dare to process their emotions – which is a huge topic these days
- Let go of the many obligations and distractions in the outside world – instead take time for yourself and the relationship
- Having the courage to question yourself and allow yourself to be questioned
- Change perspective! Take your partner’s side, they often don’t want to change you, just get to know you better
Ask your opinion! Do you believe in “marry forever”?
Therapist for the Zurhorst couple on doomed marriages
Are certain marriages doomed to fail? “I also offer separation support. I always say when partners have already worked a lot on themselves and have not found a common denominator, it is no longer possible. When their own development and the development of their partner is in a completely different direction than the one from which they both started once, then it no longer works “.
And: “When it comes to violence in a marriage or one of them has severe addiction problems, the other partner can work on themselves as much as they can, but the problem will only be resolved when the person in question takes their own steps. At that time, the only thing that helps you is Give up completely and get your strength back.” Partners should seek outside assistance here.
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Healers married Eva Maria and Wolfram Zurhorst – what is their personal secret?
Unfortunately, Eva Maria Zurhurst fell ill at the time of the interview, which is why Wolfram Zuhurst alone describes the secret of her marriage in an RTL interview that lasted over 25 years. The cornerstone of such a relationship will be communication with each other, which is necessary. And: “Talk about your own needs, but also take space for yourself, that’s important.” The couple’s secret advice: “Meditate, everyone meditate regularly for themselves.” Both have already shown countless people how to change things within themselves instead of going out with their partners. “It can be a huge help for couples who want to know more about themselves, but also about each other.”
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